i like to think of myself as not depressed and suicidal anymore because I've made so much progress but i just realized that i fantasize about killing myself at least once a week. it's so common that it's just background noise to me now. just your normal every day fantasy about taking the gun and killing yourself in front of your entire family.
my dad was OBSESSED with the idea of being a gunowner. never understood it. and i fought against him buying it because i was afraid of the temptation to kill myself with it. the only reason I'm alive now is because i was afraid killing myself with a knife would be too painful and take too long and I almost did it anyway. but there's a gun in the house now and I refused to let him show me how to put it together and use it. it pisses him off every time and he insists i learn how to use a gun but I'm afraid one day I'll snap and won't be able to stop myself from using it on myself.