also me changing my pfp from my pink turtle to this emo butt decaying face at the same time i posted about being suicidal is a coincidence i just decided to update my pfp here for the first time in years. the new one is my actual face put thru a bajillion color filters and i made it the night of the drama abt the friends request notifications. original is here if anyones curious what i look like
i like to think of myself as not depressed and suicidal anymore because I've made so much progress but i just realized that i fantasize about killing myself at least once a week. it's so common that it's just background noise to me now. just your normal every day fantasy about taking the gun and killing yourself in front of your entire family.
my dad was OBSESSED with the idea of being a gunowner. never understood it. and i fought against him buying it because i was afraid of the temptation to kill myself with it. the only reason I'm alive now is because i was afraid killing myself with a knife would be too painful and take too long and I almost did it anyway. but there's a gun in the house now and I refused to let him show me how to put it together and use it. it pisses him off every time and he insists i learn how to use a gun but I'm afraid one day I'll snap and won't be able to stop myself from using it on myself.
superhero/chosen one logic is always really super funny to me. in destiny 1 we kill Oryx and then have uncontested access to his throne since a law he made stated that whoever kills him gets to be king but decided not to because it would entail wielding the Darkness and that's evil, and now like 3 years later we're wielding the Darkness anyway because we found out how to turn it into icicles and literally every problem we're facing could have been solved by taking Oryx's throne which suddenly isnt a moral conundrum anymore.